


happy twenty-fourth

by twinklyhowell



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angsty?, Fluff, M/M, im not sure what this is, its midnight and i couldnt stop thinking about them, this is sad im so sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-14
Updated: 2015-06-14
Packaged: 2018-04-04 09:24:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4132305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twinklyhowell/pseuds/twinklyhowell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>as i look back into the past together with you, suddenly you start to disappear. </p><p> </p><p>and that's when i begin to think that maybe you never really existed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	happy twenty-fourth

**Author's Note:**

> in celebration of dan's twenty fourth birthday

i've been sitting on the tiled bathroom floor for the past hour and i'm still wondering what i'm waiting for.

 

i get off the train at age eighteen and my knees are weak, my heart sinking into my chest. the first time we make eye contact makes me realise that i never want to look away. every detail of your body glowed in a way that made me think about how you weren't who i thought you were, you were so much more. 

 

i blow out nineteen candles and you squeeze my hand tightly. your fingers intertwined so delicately between mine, and they fit so perfectly that we realised that we were made for each other. the sparklers we held that night didn't shine nearly as bright as the way your eyes did as we counted shooting stars and fell asleep under the moonlight. weeks pass and we're unpacking boxes and beginning to build a home around us, and one afternoon, as we sit across each other in the lounge, with coffees in our hands, and laptops by our sides, i look up and see you smiling at something on your screen, and i realise that there will never be a day that i wont get tired of seeing your cheeks bulge and your smile widen and i think im in love. 

 

after twenty years of breathing, i stop as our lips collide for the first time, soft short, and sweet, and as you run your fingers through my chocolate hair and tell me all the things you love about me, and how you cant stop thinking about me, i fall putty in your hands knowing that what we have is something special. 

 

the clock strikes midnight on the plane and i blink for the first time at age twenty one i watch your lips curl into the words happy birthday, and as we hold hands walking down boulevards in the city of sex, i see the neon lights and loud noises are trying to compete with the shimmer in your eyes and the softness of your voice and i realise they dont stand a chance against you. i become entranced with idea of an us as we take a final sip of alcohol for the night, before stumbling into our hotel room, and as i dig my fingernails into your back and your lips become accustomed to my collarbones i realise i never want this feeling to end. 

 

another door is slammed and we're shouting words that neither of us truly mean. who knew that twenty two could be such an unlucky age to be. that is, until i sneak out of my room that night to grab a quick snack and instead find you wrapping birthday gifts. you tell me that you will always love me, no matter what happens, and we apologise for the words we shared. i watch as tears fall from your rich blue eyes and i realise that no matter how much your eyes remind me of the ocean, i know those tears dont belong there. i go to kiss you happy again but you tell me that we need distance for a while, until things become clearer again. 

 

finally, after days and weeks and months of missing the sweet serenade of your voice in the shower, i turn the age i wanted to stay as forever, twenty three. we fall back into habit of falling asleep together curled in each other on the couch, or on our beds with our arms wrapped around each other. you'll kiss me any chance you'll get, and our friends notice how quickly we've mended our us. however, it doesn't come easy, and in between the kisses come arguments, each one more heated than the last, and soon i find myself forcing smiles in front of crowds and when i stand next to you on stage i realise you aren't the same person i met at the train station back when i turned eighteen. 

 

now im twenty four, and your room is empty.   
i begin to see the memories fade and i start questioning my sanity as i realise the crack in the wall we made while building your bed disappears. i wash my face in the bathroom and notice your toothbrush is missing. i hold your towel in my shaky hands and it doesn't smell like you anymore. i walk to the kitchen to grab a drink and stop in my tracks as i realise the cracked tiles on the floor are no where to be seen. i rub my eyes as i walk into the lounge, hoping that the lack of sleep is washing away the memories. the photo frames contain only photos of myself and my family, and i desperately scan the shelves over and over, searching for jet black hair and a smile that could put my mind to rest.

 

as i look back at the past together with you, suddenly you start to disappear.  
and that's when i begin to think that maybe you never really existed.

i stumbled down the stairs towards the apartment door, remembering every time you bumped your head against the wall as rushed inside to kiss each other hello, and tears begin to fall from my face. and thats when i notice. 

a box.  
a plain box.  
two words scribbled on the lid in an all too familiar cursive. 

**to dan**

as i open the box the memories coming flooding back through my thoughts.   
inside, a piece of paper. i hold it between my fingers and feel the warmth of hands that should be wrapped in mine. 

 

 _dear dan,_  
_happy twenty fourth, thank you for the best memories of my life, now go and make some of your own.  
_ _phil x_

 

i pull out the rest of the contents of the box.  
a singular photo frame.   
the first photo we ever took together.   
meeting you at the train station at age eighteen.  
and that's when i realise.

 

you were always there.  
you were  _always_ there.  
you  _were_ always there.

 

but now you're not.

 

happy twenty fourth to me, here's to another year. 

 

 


End file.
